Growing up
by moviemagic101
Summary: Totally unrelated to the story really besides two best friends and the stuff that happens as we grow up
1. Chapter 1

Growing up: The process of an individual organism growing organically; a purely biological unfolding of events involved in an organism changing gradually from a simplistic to more complex level.

Well thank you Webster. How can something as complicated as growing up be reduced to such simplistic terms. Sorry Webster but purely biological my ass. There is so much more involved in growing up besides what new areas grow hair and the sound of someone's voice. He did get one thing right though, that Webster, it definitely puts you on a more complex level; complicated to be more exact.

Things were so much easier ten years ago. I was just Spencer the eight year old little girl who liked to play Nintendo 64 and collect Pokémon cards. The only difference between boys and girls was the length of their hair and the bathrooms we used. Fashion sense meant matching your best friend and the only way someone was popular was because they had the latest power ranger toy or the original Ferbie.

Lately I have been feeling so lost. In the last couple of years I have lost touch of my friends, but not just them, I feel disconnected from almost everyone my age even me. I am not sure if I stopped growing up and got stranded in some developmental stage like Freud said or I've been keeping up with everyone but I am just fundamentally different from everyone else.

I've spent a lot of time going over the last couple of years in my head. I was never sheltered, never felt lonely. In fact I was probably one of the most active little kids. I played two different sports, went to dance class, and even participated in girl scouts. It's not even like things changed in high school either. I joined one of the most socially active groups in the school, the marching band. Yes I was a band geek but being part of the band meant having something to do and being around friends every Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Also between band camp, trips to Disney World and competitions you became as close as family to the other one hundred members.

My friends changed over the years but I always had my own group of friends to do stuff with who I thought were similar to me which is why I don't understand why I got left behind. It was something I started to notice in my junior year of high school. I had just become friends with someone very similar yet very different from me. I was very loud outgoing but only with my friends. Put me in a room with even one person I don't know and you'll start to wonder if I even have a voice box, but not Ashley.

She was as loud as they come. Everyone in Plymouth high had heard about and knew who Ashley Davies was. Even when she was a freshman the seniors heard stories about her. She was very outspoken and was often in trouble with authority figures because of her behavior. It was shocking to everyone when we became close even to me. The loudmouth trouble maker was inseparable from the quiet as a mouse band geek. But what other people did not know and Alice took the time to learn was that I was just as loud and fun when I was with my friends.

Not just our decibel level was different. She was boy crazy, liked to party and wore clothes tighter than most middle aged women's skin. I on the other hand had two very long very complicated relationships which to me were boring and weird. One guy took his family members on our dates since we stated out as family friends and the other one was just collecting leis and not the party kind. In general I wasn't worried about who I liked and who liked me. I always preferred to just be with friends and not worry about when I had to kiss someone or what was going to happen. I never partied or drank actually I never really saw the appeal especially as a high school student and my idea of getting dressed up was just nicer jeans and a prettier t-shirt.

For some reason though despite our vast differences as friends Ashley and I just clicked. We became those friends that you never saw apart. Class, hallway, park movie theater, each others house- didn't matter we were there together. It pissed off a few people mostly Ashley's old friends who didn't like her hanging out with someone as bland and boring as I was or appeared to be, because god forbid people even took the time to get to know someone before they made a judgment about them. Because I was not bland in fact I was a lot of fun I just didn't need to be naked or under the influence to have a good time.

Although Ashley quickly became the closest friend I ever had it was because of our differences I started to notice my left behind-ness. I always knew I had atypical ideas and values from Ashley's friends but the closer we got and the closer she got to my other friends the more I realized that it wasn't just the supposed bad crowd I didn't have anything in common with, but just about everyone my age even the friends I had had for years.

The day it really hit me was three Halloweens ago and I was having a party at my house. Of course Ashley and I had matching costumes because that's what best friends do. At least if you're five but I was definitely stuck in a little kids mentality. To top it all off we went as the red and pink Power Rangers. People who didn't know us thought we were weird but our friends knew it was us being us and found it hysterical. It was probably the best Halloween; for some reason my mom let me have a party, I had the best friend I ever had and everything was just fun. At least that's how I felt until like all immature high school parties do we ended up playing truth or dare.

At first it was all cute and silly stuff like, have you ever liked someone here, trading costumes, playing pranks on my parents, eating too much candy and other stuff to just laugh at. But then the question came that solidified for me all my insecurities of not fitting in or being like other girls my age. Ashley asked another friend of ours, Masion, who was dressed as a slutty bunny if she enjoyed giving Chris a blow job. Now I am not a prude and I know what a blow job is and that people I knew gave them. It was finding out the every girl in my basement besides I had given multiple blow jobs to multiple guys. The people who I thought were like me, people who I found comfort in now made me feel awkward about myself just like everyone else.

The rest of the night turned into a who did what with who, who was good and who was bad, who was big and who was small. My comfort level was beaten and smothered to death. All I could do was sit there awkwardly and listen, pretending to laugh along. It wasn't like I could participate anyway. Sitting there seeing all the laughter the topic brought, the easy manner in which they talked about what and who they've done, and all the experience every single one of them seemed to have it hit me suddenly like a matt truck; sex. That is what was setting me apart from everyone else. Their experience, their want, their casualness about it-I wasn't like that.

Situations I would have never thought of again started popping up in my head, triggered by my realization. I started to wonder why when I was with Bill and he wanted to do various sexual acts, not even including sex, just more than making out I profusely refused ending the relationship numerous times because of my unwillingness. I thought he was moving too fast and pushing me too hard but apparently he was the one keeping up, normal, and I was just way behind, different. Then I became aware of the fact that when I was with Frank and he never push or suggested anything to do with sex, I stayed with him along time. I always complained he was boring but never did anything about it. I had been comfortable with him because of his lack of a sexual desire and had stayed with him to avoid guys like Bill, which was every guy but Frank. When did everyone become obsessed with sex and why wasn't I?

In my mind sex was not something to just jump into or do because a guy wanted to but rather something between two people in love- cheesy but how I felt it should be. I believed sex was bigger than an act to brag about which allowed you to gossip about people in someone's basement on Halloween.

I am not sure why I was, or felt like I was the only one to think sex meant something. It could have been the fact that my parents met at the age of sixteen and have been married for thirty-five years after being each others first. Or it could have been all the hopeless romantic shit I picked up from reading and watching too many sappy love stories- I mean my favorite movie is "Titanic" and you do not get sappier than tragic love story at sea. Whatever the reason may be, I got stuck living in the fifties when everyone else born in my year was very very currant.

There it is another reason for my sexual uneasiness; my looks, which are far less than stellar. I don't consider myself to be ugly because there are people out there that crack mirrors and make little children scream. Also every now and then a person will call me pretty, however I am not one of those girls who people take one look at and either wish to be with them or be them. So whatever the real reason maybe, I was definitely behind my generation.

In my basement that night my uncomfort level was clear at least to those who new me real well. Somehow I was able to avoid the awkward pause that would happen if they came to me for my latest conquest. I assume the questioning constantly being skipped over me had something to do with Ashley sensing my apprehension but from the look in her eyes I knew that my awkwardness was just going to increase when everyone else left.

Ashley was sleeping over and I had a hunch that she was going to want to talk about whatever had me acting so stand offish. Shockingly I wanted the sex questioning to continue as long as possible because the conversation that Ashley was looking to have was one I desperately wanted to avoid. At that point I had no idea why I was so worked up and bothered by others peoples sexual escapades, especially Ashley's.

I had always thought that she was more like me; I mean we called each other perfect halves and that we complete each other and guys would just have to deal with that, but then why had I never heard about Kyle and Doug before?

There is something about going through something together that makes it easier almost like it almost doesn't matter. Sitting there listening to Madison, Kyla and Carmen go on and on about this guy and that guy I was thinking I'm glad Ashley and I aren't like that but as soon as her mouth opened to talk about how some guy names Kyle's penis curved it was blatantly obvious that I was ALONE in this little fantasy I had created.

I know now that I wasn't angry at her or disgusted by her but rather confused and disappointed in myself but in that moment all I could think was my best friend is a lying whore. What that really meant though was how could my best friend leave me behind, why didn't she give me the memo that we were giving blow jobs now or that I should be thinking about sex more.

Like I said before Ashley has always been boy crazy or it was more like boys were crazy about her. She was one of those girls that with one glance had most people hooked. Everyone assumed from the way she dressed and her endless flirtatious nature that she slept around but in the six months that we had connected in I learned that isn't who she is at all. Ashley was just as dorky and nerdy as I was which is why we clicked so well. She loved harry potter and we attend numerous midnight outings together for the books and the movies. We often swapped books we thought the other would like and grades were very important to her, in fact we met in a study group for chemistry.

Most of all she was not the high maintenance slut most people thought she was. For the most part she spent her nights with me in her room watching old nineties movies we laughed at or our Friday night ritual of watching The N. From what I THOUGHT I knew because of what she told me she never had a real boyfriend and wasn't interested. So the news of her various conquests confused me. Why didn't I know and when did she see them?

I definitely did not want to have this conversation, it was bound it happen but I was dreading every second leading up to it. Between my frustration and confusion I knew that it was not going to end well.


	2. Chapter 2

At first I was surprised at how long people could talk about sex. I felt like it was going forever but as soon as I wanted it to actually go on forever the conversation quickly died. People started leaving and with in an hour I was down to just Aiden who was protecting me from having to talk about how I was feeling. Any other night and Ashley and I could go for hours talking about how we felt about this and that because with as much time as we spent together if you weren't honest and you didn't talk about everything you would be pretty bored. But that was the whole thing wasn't it tonight I was scared to talk to Ashley because we were going to have a talk not only about the uncomfortable, at least for me topic of sex, but also honesty and where was Ashley's.

I knew that the only reason why Aiden was sticking around after the others had already left was because he wanted his chance with Ashley. He has been trying to get with her even before Ashley and I were friends. Aiden was the first friend I made in high school. In the band he also played trumpet and was the first person I was introduced to. At first I had the biggest crush on him or least I thought I did. He was tall, muscular, jet black hair and greenest eyes. There wasn't much not to like when you saw him, most people assumed he was an athlete but even though god blessed him with the looks of a first string quarter back, he had the coordination of a spastic flea. It was clear from the beginning however that he had no interest in me though and it soon turned into one of those friendship were the boy girl barrier is very clear. When you have a crush on a friend and all they talk to you about is other girls that are more "bangable" than you the crush dies friendship quickly dies with it. The most common girl he talked about besides half of the wood wind section was Ashley. We drifted apart but still remained sort of close because we shared many mutual friends, but as soon as I started talking to Ashley suddenly Aiden was back in my life full force.

I didn't have the heart to ever tell him what Ashley really thought about him, her most popular description of Aiden was of him being a dimwitted jock wannabe, so he never got the message to stop trying. Sometimes I would put his past indiscretion against me in the past and try to help him out but Ashley never took bait. Although with the information that came to light tonight maybe she actually did like him and was contemplating doing dirty things with him if I wasn't there. I know I am over reacting but the feeling of suddenly realizing you know nothing about your best friend is a scary.

Aiden said his few last cheesy lines; of course all of them rejected by Ashley and dejectedly left my house in his pirate costume. Often he blamed me for his failure with Ashley because I was always there to get in the way and he couldn't use his best moves on her, but every time I tried to leave them alone I got scolded by Ashley and like I said best friends always come first. As he left though I had a feeling though that tomorrow at sectionals I would be getting an earful about how if I wasn't there his invite to watch him practice scales would have been a hit.

As soon as I heard the doors latch catch my stomach started doing double back flips, the impressive kind that could win the Olympics. I turned around to find Ashley's concerned face glaring at me.

"What's wrong, and Spencer Carlin don't you dare say nothing other wise I will be forced to tickle you" Normally the threat of being tickled wouldn't be one to cause fright but in my case it definitely was. The mere mention of being tickled set me into a cold sweat.

The idea of playing it off as if nothing was wrong never even crossed my mind. I knew Ashley saw through me as soon as our eyes met in the basement. There were two people who I just couldn't lie to, one was my sister and that was because she frightened me and the other was Ashley. When it came to the subject of me there was better luck winning the lotto than Ashley believing one of my lies, she just instantly knew.

"Your right there is something wrong but do you think we can change out of our costumes first. I don't think I am capable of having a serious conversation with us dressed as Power Rangers" It was a ploy to stall for more time and figure out how I could possible verbalize the mass chaos of thoughts going on in my head, but it was also true. How can I confront my best friend about my inner secrets and thoughts if we are dressed as kid superheroes from the early nineties? Plus the utility belt was giving me blisters.

Ashley's eyes were like daggers trying to get to my thoughts analyzing how much I was stalling and how much I wanted to get out of talking in colored suits, "You're right" she finally said. "Ill meet you in the basement in our pjs in ten okay"

"Sure thing" I said with probably the fakest smile I ever put on my face. Even though she had to change too she did not leave the spot in front of my door until I was all the way upstairs. I'm not sure if she thought I wouldn't come down or if she worried I was going to run away.

I wondered how long I could elongate getting ready for bed before it became weird, and when I was certain I couldn't stall anymore I headed down into the basement that started all the trouble in the first place. Although I had two beds in my basement one that rolled out from the other Ashley and I never used the second bed. In the beginning of our friendship we used two beds but something in my basement always scared me into Ashley's bed or the cold from the unheated basement brought Ashley cuddling up in mine so after awhile we saved ourselves the frustration of rolling out a bed we knew we weren't going to use. However on this already dreadfully horrible suck fest of a night Ashley was waiting for me with both beds out, and I knew it was going to get worse.


	3. Chapter 3

She saw that I surprised by what I saw because when I saw both beds my pace quickly slowed.

"Hey" I said "what's with the beds?" I was kind of afraid to ask, because all her possible reasons for not wanting to share a bed with me terrified me. After tonight the last thing I would

need was to become an insecure, friendless prude.

Her brown eyes immediately met mine and if possible they were filled with more fear and worry then I was feeling, "I just thought that after we talk you wouldn't think it would be

appropriate for us to share one bed, and I just wanted to be prepared"

"Oh" it was just one syllable but it was all I could get out which is better than nothing, since it showed that I wasn't a zombie. I no longer had any clue as to where this conversation was

going, and seeing cool confident Ashley so obviously shaken up honestly scared me.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I said as I sat on the bed, the one she was on. It was only a hunch but I felt like I needed to show her some kind of support that she assumed she

wasn't going to get. And as I sat down on the same bed as her I swear I heard her sigh in relief.

"I saw in your eyes disappoint, when I started talking about the guys I've been with" suddenly her eyes that have been everywhere else connected with mine. They were searching for

something, but I couldn't tell what.

"No" I quickly interrupted "Not at all, it wasn't disappointment it was shock or confusion something like that. I thought we told each other everything and then all of a sudden you are

basically announcing in front of everyone I am a whore…I mean...I don't mean that…It just…it took me by surprise how experienced you were and how many guys you've been with. I

guess I just felt a little left out and behind. But Never any disappoint in you" I could tell my whore slip up hurt her, in fact she cringed when I said, but her eyes didn't change. They were

still more worried than upset.

She was quiet the next couple of seconds just looking at me as if she was analyzing every part of my face. Then she finally spoke "Spencer, you are the best thing that has ever

happened to me, but we are from two different worlds and I thought you knew that, but recently I've discovered that you think I'm different from what I really am" she sounded so sad it

broke my heart to listen to her, to be the one making her talk like this. "The more I realized you had me on this pedestal with you the more I wanted to be like you, and I want to thank

you for that. Because now I see potential in my life and in myself that I never saw before, but all these great things that I am now open to because of you cannot change my past."

Suddenly her eyes were downcast and I could tell she was holding back tears.

I reached across and with my index finer I lifter her chin so once again blue met brown and said, "Ashley the past is the past and I don't care. I never meant to hurt you or make you think

that you are below me, because in my eyes it is the opposite. If you want to tell me about your past I am all ears and you already know that but if you don't you don't have to."

"Thanks Spence, but its time I told you after all you are my best friend and it's not fair to keep this from you" as she started speaking I lost contact with her eyes and wish I hadn't

because they are how I truly know how she is feeling, they tell every emotion she hides from everyone else. "I never had a great relationship with parents" she continued "They never

really showed an interest in my life and like any therapist will tell you I started lashing out for attention. Well by the time I was 14 I had drank myself into a coma, done drugs, and had

sex with much older men. I was your poster child for a child star gone wrong except with the star part"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing, Ashley my Ashley sex, drugs, coma!?. I knew we were different but I thought it was in a more suggestive way than her being an 80's Drew

Barrymore and me being…well I don't know a good child star. I tried to remain calm, and not show my shock, but much more my actual disappointment because I wanted her to continue

and I knew she wouldn't she thought that my opinion of her had already changed.

"It wasn't good, it wasn't good at all. I was so lost and the sad part was that no one really cared. At all." She paused and I knew she was trying not to cry, I could hear it in her voice the

slight crack that was giving away the fact that Ashley Davies wasn't always so strong. "That's when I met Kelly, my night in converse basically. She was this girl that was at all the clubs

with me, her mom was the owner. One night, from what I remember my parents had told me that I was a screw up whore and that they were glad no one associated them with me.

That's when I realized they were happy to have no one know I was theirs, they didn't want children and I was a mistake they felt to guilty to fix"

As I listen I couldn't help but feel the tears well into my eyes, she was my best friend and she had this horrible history that I didn't know about and couldn't help her with it either.

"With that realization I headed to Greys, met with my dealer popped too many pills and over drank myself, the last thing I remember is ordering a vodka and cranberry and going to lay

down on one of the couches. The next thing I remember is waking up in the hospital. Of course my parents weren't there but Kelly was, she was the one who found me. If she hadn't

been watching my stupidity that night I would have died.

I knew I was supposed to be strong and just listen but hearing that my best friend who in a few short months had become the best thing to ever happen to me and I loved more than

anything almost died I lost it. The tears just came pouring out. Suddenly Ashley was cradling me telling me it was ok, that she was here and not going anywhere. The feeling of her hand

rubbing up and down my back started to calm me down. "I am so sorry Ash, I know I am the one that should be helping you"

"Its alright Spencer, I understand it's tough to listen to someone you love go through rough times, I would be the same way if something happened to you..." She stopped and her gaze

that had been consoling me left "there more to the story"


	4. Chapter 4

**i am not sure if i am going to continue this, it doesnt seem to have a good response...maybe if i see a good response to this one i will continue thanks to those of you who have been reading and enjoying. Here is the next chapter**

There's more? How could there possibly be more?

Sex- check

Drugs-check

Near death experience-check

Sounds like it was all covered, what else could there be, oh shit was Ashley pregnant?

My face definitely changed when that thought popped into my head, because suddenly Ashley was laughing at me something I think we both forgot how to do, since probably the most serious conversation I have ever had was going on for what seemed like 20 hours.

"I'm not exactly sure what you are thinking Spence but that's probably not what I am going to tell you, so pick your chin up a bit"

"Sorry I was going over what, hadn't been said when you said there was more, and suddenly pregnancy popped into my head."

Her laughter grew louder after I had verbalized my worry "Definitely not Spencer" she just kept laughing at me "what did you think that I pulled a Juno, and you know me I would not allow stretch marks on this perfect body"

Ashley was definitely feeling better; I knew this because her overly cocky and confident attitude was making its way back to the surface.

"Ok, ok stop laughing, not pregnant I got it"

"Sorry that was just really funny that someone could think that I was ever pregnant" she finally stopped laughing and suddenly her already dark eyes got even dark and even though she told me a lot already I could tell what she was really worried about was going to come next, that this was the really serious part of the conversation "but seriously Spence there is something you should know"

"Ok Ash goes on, you can tell me anything" And I meant it, at least I thought I did.

"After I got out of the hospital I did not want to go back home, I mean my parents didn't even care that I was in a coma for two days. So Kelly let me go live with her and her mom for a while until things with my parents were resolved. It was the best time in my life" I think she saw the tiny bit of hurt in my eyes so she laughed and added "except for now because we are friends" Then she gave me her famous wink and nose crinkle and continued.

"Kelly was great she was smart and funny, and really into movies. She could spend all day telling me useless trivia about movies and I would fill her up with endless trivia about music. We traded CDs and DVDs and made adventure trips to film and music festivals. Soon we were fully indulged into each others lives, there was nothing she didn't know and there was nothing I didn't know." She paused and took a heavy sigh; this is where the story would change.

"It was the last night I was staying in her house. My parents were going to pick me up the next day and try to spend a family day together and then I would move back home. We were going to try to be a better family; I don't think any of us thought it could work. We were lying on her bed talking about how we needed to stay in each others lives on the same level, no loosing touch because we didn't live together and that's when it happened. One of my curls had fallen into my face from laughing and Kelly's hand came and pushed it behind my ear, but her hand remained there, her eyes on me, and then she kissed me."

SPENCER CARLIN FOR ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT CHANGE YOUR FACIAL EXPRESSION, but oh my god a girl kissed you best friend, suddenly I didn't like where this was going and I found myself wanting to be auntie Spencer again.

"At first it hit me probably like it's hitting you, why is this girl kissing me? But more importantly Spencer, I found myself asking why do I like it?" I know this was hard for her to tell me, she wanted me to accept her, we were best friends and she was coming out to me. I wanted to hug her and tell her nothing matters and nothing has to change but I knew for some reason it would and I knew it would be my fault.

"I kissed her back and I know you probably don't want the details" She was right on that, but she continued anyway. "But it turned into a make out session. We talked afterwards and she told me how she had known she was into girls for a while and had had a crush on me since I started going to her mothers club. At first I didn't know what to make of everything it was happening too fast, but we remained as close as we said we would and eventually started dating once I became comfortable to admit it.

She stopped and grabbed my hands, making me look at her. "I know this is a lot Spence, it was a lot for me too, but Kelly made me realize that I slept around because I was uncomfortable with boys, being with Kelly was the only thing in my entire life to make sense, and now with you Spencer I have everything I want and I needed to share that side of my life with you, I needed you to know the real me. Do you have anything to say?'

"You're queer and you're here and I am okay with it" Wow not the worst thing you could have said but probably the dumbest.

It wasn't the reaction she was looking for either. "Oh ok I guess that's a good thing then right" The disappointment in her voice shook me to the core, she just shared her deepest secret with me and was looking for me to approve and assure her we were still best friends and all I said was a stupid bumper sticker saying,

"I guess we should go to sleep now huh, want me to move over?"

I should have said no, what's the difference, I should have said of course not, I get scared. I should have said anything besides what I actually said, which was, "Yeah that makes sense now" and I am sure if I wasn't the coward I know I am, I am positive I would have seen Ashley start to cry but instead I just rolled over and pretended like she wasn't there.


End file.
